Lucille Borman
Boston Tea Party’s Fresh New Face
Rich Celebrate New Status
By Turk Fowler
December 15th, 2008
Sacramento, CA
“My ship has come in,” said an intoxicated Lucille Borman, newly classified member of the wealthy set. “A year ago, I was a middle-class school teacher with a five year old mini-van and a mortgage. Today, I’m part of the “rich getting richer” group and that makes me feel pretty damn good.”
With the recent tax code changes, many American households discovered that they were not only better off than previously thought, but were so flush with cash they could afford to finance entire, less fortunate, communities.
The revelation turned to celebration in Boston, where thousands of exuberant tax payers stampeded to the site of the original Boston Tea Party. There was dancing, singing and the smell of burning checkbooks in support of the poorest among them.
The government’s initial reaction to the enthusiastic celebrants was condemnation and a police crackdown on the gathering. After discovering the crowd was actually in favor of having their taxes raised as well as being proud of their re-classification as “rich,” a spokesman for the IRS announced her support for the New Boston Tea Party and lamented that the original tea party participants weren’t as tolerant and could take a few notes from the current partiers.
“It’s amazing how we have deified those in our history who spoke nothing but hate and violence-mongering diatribes. They incited civil unrest and passed it off as liberty and self-determination,” said a grinning Patricia Henry. “I feel hopeful for the first time in my career as a tax auditor. It’s heartening to know I’ve gone from being a government paid extortionist to an angelic change agent. The collections bonus I get on my next check won’t hurt either.”
The harbor heyday was so successful; a group calling themselves “Change For Change” have organized similar events along the East and West coasts.
“This is the movement we’ve been waiting for,” stammered a weeping “Change for Change” organizer who went by the name Earthhope. “The twin tides of greed and selfish ambition are waning. Now is the time for us to take money from the richest among us and enrich the poorest among us.”
When asked if making poor people wealthy might make them the target of future tax hikes, Earthhope threw a can of dolphin safe tuna through her computer monitor and donned a mocking smile.
“I guess we could just let them starve in the streets,” said a sarcastic Earthhope. “Or we could create valuable jobs like the one I’m doing. With an ever increasing list of people falling into the “wealthy” category of the tax code, we’re going to need a lot more people on our staff to ensure that they’re held accountable.”
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